Fairytales of the Crazed Irken Invader
by IcePrincess777
Summary: Contains mild slash. Parodies of fairytales told with IZ characters! New chapter up!
1. Sleeping AntiBeauty

Disclaimer: Okay, I don't own any IZ characters. I don't own anything except the idiotic King and Queen and the fictional land of imbeciles that they rule over. This is basically a parody of "Sleeping Beauty" and I don't own that either. Wow! I don't own a lot of stuff! There is some Red/Purple slash in here, but in this story, Red is a girl so I don't know if that really counts as slash or not. Oh well, on with the story! Fairytales of the Crazed Irken Invader  
  
It's nighttime in Zim's base and Gir is running around and going crazy. Naturally, Zim is getting VERY annoyed.  
  
Zim: Gir! Don't you ever sleep?!  
  
Gir: I don't know.  
  
Zim: You seem to be able to eat like those human stinkbeasts, why shouldn't you be able to sleep like them too?  
  
Gir: Read me a bedtime story!  
  
Zim: Fine! Whatever it takes for you to shut up!  
  
Once upon a time.  
  
Gir: When?  
  
Zim: I don't know when!  
  
Gir: You don't know a lot.  
  
Zim: SILENCE! Do you want me to read you a bedtime story or not?!  
  
Gir: I's gonna be quiet now!  
  
Zim: Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a King and a Queen who had everything they ever wanted. (Lucky creeps!) Everything except for a child. But one day, a daughter was born. She had the most beautiful red eyes, so they named her Red. (They weren't very creative, were they?) They invited all of the fairies in the kingdom to a party for Red. But the dunce that mailed out the invitations forgot to send one to one of the fairies.  
  
On the day of the party, the fairies that attended each gave Princess Red a special, magical gift. The first fairy gave her a ball of lint. The second fairy gave her a trash can full of used diapers. But just as the last fairy, Happy Noodle Boy was about to give his gift to Princess Red, an evil looking fairy in a black tutu knocked down the doors and entered. The evil fairy, Dib, was upset at not being invited to the party, so he cast a spell on Princess Red, that on her sixteenth birthday, she would die from an extremely energy-consuming sugar high! Dib then forgot that he had knocked down the doors and flew right through a stained glass window. He got away, but was really scratched up. Some say that at night, when the moon is full, you can still hear him screaming, "There's glass in my tutu!"  
  
This jumble of nonsensical words made Happy Noodle Boy extremely jealous. To spite Dib, he agreed to take Princess Red into the woods and make sure that she never encountered any sugar-high causing substances.  
  
15 years and 364 days later.  
  
HNB: Red! Go pork the granite monkey! (A/N: This is a reference to one of my other stories of insanity, "The Thing".)  
  
Red: Whatever. * leaves the house with one of her boyfriends. Then they go to a cliff and watch the sun rise. Now, this boyfriend was very suicidal. He was also a vampire and hated the sunlight. When he saw the sun rise, he jumped off the cliff. * Red: Boyfriend # -1! I'll miss you! * sniff * * Then she goes to get some flowers for his corpse. While she is walking, she notices that someone with purple eyes was following her. * grabs the stalker by his antennae * Who are you and why are you following me? Purple: I am Prince Purple! I was following you because I am sure that I've met you before in a dream somewhere!  
  
Red: Not in real life.  
  
Purple: So?! Dreams count!  
  
Red: I had a dream once that the sky was green and trees had blue leaves and sang "Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous" all day. Does that mean it's real? Purple: Ummm. * consults a book entitled "Surefire Fairytale Pickup Lines" * Yes! Dreams where you meet someone are true! Yeah, that's right!  
  
Red: Why am I not convinced?  
  
Purple: Well, it's true!  
  
Red: Is not!  
  
Purple: Is too!  
  
Red: Is not!  
  
Purple: Is too!  
  
Red: Is not!  
  
5 hours later.  
  
Happy Noodle Boy: Red! Get back here!  
  
Red: So long, loser.  
  
Purple: * waits for Red to leave, then cries hysterically *  
  
Back at the cottage.  
  
HNB: Something that translates into: Red, there's a secret that I've been keeping from you for the past 15 years and 364 days. You're a Princess and you're going back to your parents tonight, even though I'm not supposed to bring you back until the day after tomorrow ( Electrocute a Cheerleading Squad Day). But if there isn't any blatant stupidity on someone's part, then there wouldn't be any plot. So let's go now! Red: You're weird, you know that?  
  
HNB: Pigs are green! (Am not!)  
  
Red: Are too!  
  
HNB: Pigs are green!  
  
Red: Are too!  
  
HNB: Pigs are green!  
  
3 A.M. the next morning.  
  
HNB: Something that translates into: Shut up and let's go already!  
  
At the castle of Red's parents.  
  
HNB: Open up! Or I will tickle you with the antennae I ripped off of an Irken that didn't let me out of the closet!  
  
Maid: * opens the door and lets Red and HNB in * My, Princess Red, you do look tired! Here's something that should give you some energy. * gives Red a brainfreezy with extra sugar *  
  
Red: Thanks! * drinks it and then has an extreme sugar high in which she literally bounces off the walls and ceiling before crashing down on the floor as the sugar high wore off. *  
  
Maid: HAHAHA!!! * rips off the costume to reveal that she, umm, he is the evil fairy, Dib! Wow! He still has glass in his tutu. *  
  
Dib: Now for the cheesy, romantic part of the story!  
  
HNB: I despise the wrath of yellow sponges! Translation: Purple! Now is the part of the plot that all of the conscious members of the audience hate! It's the stupid kissing scene!  
  
Purple: Go to hell, I'm not kissing that stuffy princess! I like the girl that I met in the woods and that I was trying to convince I met in a dream!  
  
HNB: Pink is the devil's favorite color! Cheerleaders have no brains! Translation: Thank you! I've been there and it's quite lovely. As for the princess, she is the same girl that you met in the woods, you idiot! Now just cooperate so we can get this story over with! Purple: Oh. But why do I have to do it in front of all these people? * points to person in the audience (A/N: Yes, I know you're there! Bow down to my spooky Authory Powers!) * Red: SHUT UUUUUPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!! Can't I get some sleep after what was supposed to be a fatal sugar high?!  
  
Dib: * suddenly reappears * Yeah! Why didn't it work?  
  
HNB: Because pigs have orange wings! Translation: Because you're stupid!  
  
Dib: Am not!  
  
HNB: Horses are blue! ( Are too! )  
  
Dib: Am not!  
  
HNB: Horses are blue!  
  
Dib: Am not!  
  
HNB: Horses are blue!  
  
3 days later.  
  
Purple: Let's ditch this place, I want snacks.  
  
Red: You like snacks too?  
  
Purple: Wow! We're so compatible! Let's get married!  
  
At the wedding, Happy Noodle Boy and Dib have finally stopped arguing and apologized to each other.  
  
Dib: Isn't that a lovely blue dress Red is wearing?  
  
HNB: Backstreet Boys don't write their own songs! Translation: It would look better if it was green. * turns the dress green *  
  
Dib: Jerk! Blue is better! * tuns it blue again *  
  
HNB: Backstreet Boys don't write their own songs! * green *  
  
Dib: * blue *  
  
HNB: * green *  
  
Dib: * blue *  
  
HNB: * green *  
  
This continues until Dib's powers short-circuit two hours later, putting a curse on all of Red and Purple's descendants. This was especially true for someone by the name of Johnny C.  
  
THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
A/N: Yayzz! I'm finally done with another insane fanfic! Oh, and I don't own Happy Noodle Boy or Johnny either. 


	2. Zimderella

Finally!!!! It is time for yet another fairytale to be horribly disfigured by the presence of IZ characters! This time, it's Cinderella, which was written by someone who is probably very dead. That is, unless they managed to survive at least the 500 or so year period since the story was first written. AAAAHHHH!!!!! It was written by that Gollem thing from LOTR!!!!!( just kidding!) Grr. This is the second time I've had to type this because my computer froze the first time. I don't own any IZ characters and this story takes place right after Zim obliterates half of Irk. This contains ZADR and Tallest slash, so don't read if you don't like that stuff.  
  
Zimderella  
  
  
  
  
  
After the first fairytale, Zim had finally gotten Gir to go to sleep with the aid of a sledgehammer. But the fractured fairytale theme had carried over into his dreams. This is the result.  
  
  
  
  
  
The story begins on the Massive as Zim is visible scrubbing the floors as Red and Purple dish out chores for him to do.  
  
Red: Honestly Zim! Why did you have do screw up the ONE mission we gave you?! Purple: Yeah! You should be glad that we came to your rescue! Oh, the embarrassment at admitting that you're Red's stepson!  
  
Red: So if you ever want to be an Invader again, you have to accomplish this list of chores before you die! *gives Zim a list longer than the Amazon River (a few thousand miles) *  
  
Purple: What's the use of doing it if he's going to die before he gets it done? Red: Then by the Galactic Equinox!  
  
Purple: And if anyone comes to the door while we're gone doing, umm. stuff. answer it!  
  
Zim: * voice muffled by paper * Yes, my Tallest.  
  
After Zim had finished scrubbing all of the floors with a toothbrush, the doorbell rang. As he answered it, he saw an Irken, badly disguised as another species.  
  
Messenger: I have come from planet Kiria with a super secret message for the Tallest. Now could you take this before that mass of paper comes out and crushes me? Zim: Uh, yeah.* takes the letter and runs to the Tallests' room as the Messenger leaves in his spaceship *  
  
Red: EEEKKK!!! I mean, what do you want?!  
  
Zim: Some messenger from planet Kiria sent you a super secret letter?  
  
Red: * grabs the letter through a small crack in the door* GIMMIE THAT!!  
  
Purple: (from farther away) Red? What are you doing?  
  
Red: Our spy on planet Kiria sent us a letter! (Zim falls asleep from exhaustion outside the door) It says "The Kirian King has decreed that there will be a ball on January second to find a husband for the Princess. All the eligible males in the Kirian Empire are to attend."  
  
Purple: I just thought of something!! We could send someone to the ball! Since our army is spread out too far right now with Impending Doom, we could get an Irken in the Kirian royal family now! Then we could just take that over once that wise guy, the King is out of the picture!  
  
Red: But who would we send? All of our Invaders are out on other planets!  
  
Purple: We could just send Zim. That would mean that we could be rid of him forever! And once he's in, he's so dumb he'll do anything we tell him to!  
  
Red: Purple! You're a genius! ZIM!!! WAKE UP!!!!  
  
Zim: * yawns * Yes?  
  
Red: We changed our minds about the chores. * evil grin* We have another mission for you.  
  
  
  
  
  
To be continued 


	3. Princess Dib?

Awwww, vacation is almost over, so that means a lot less updates. I don't know what anyone thought of the last chapter yet. But what the heck? I still don't own any IZ characters and hope no one is offended by the slash stuff.  
  
Princess Dib?  
  
  
  
"Well, I'm really in for it this time!", Dib thought to himself as he sat in his cold, dark jail cell, trying not to recall the events of the last few hours. *flashback*  
  
  
  
One Month Ago: Dib had discovered that one of his father's inventions could travel into outer space. Naturally, he wanted to take it for a test drive himself to see the meteor shower that would happen in a few hours from it's place of origin, out of Earth's atmosphere.  
  
Two Hours Later: Wow! Who would have thought that watching shooting stars would be so interesting! As Dib maneuvered his ship to avoid a particularly large rock coming toward him, he saw something that looked like more than just an ordinary satellite. It was a very large, bright orange and had a symbol of a snake-like creature with what Dib would later find was the Irken insignia in its mouth. Two bright blue jets of flame flowed from engines on the ship's rear as it moved away from Earth, in a direction that would lead it to exit the solar system. Dib's curiosity took control as he followed it past the rest of this solar system's planets, past a few other galaxies and to a huge, green planet twice the size of Jupiter. He hid his ship on a flat surface of the larger ship as it stopped moving. He then spotted a door and proceeded into its interior.  
  
One Hour Later: It's amazing how much alien jail cells look just like medieval dungeons. During the last hour, he had somehow managed to kill someone named Princess Keni. It was an accident! All he did was say "hi" to her, but she must have been shocked at seeing someone from another species, because she dropped dead two seconds later. Then one of her guards came into the room and jumped to conclusions about the situation. One hour later, he was in this cell with one skhitsophranic guard outside.  
  
Guard: Hehehe! Can you believe what this prisoner is going to do?  
  
Depressed Personality: Don't you think it's a little cruel to have him dress in drag and replace the Princess?  
  
Drunk Personality: *hic* No! He's getting what he *hic* deserves! And the look on the unlucky suitor's face when they find out about this should be funny!  
  
Hyper Personality: Andthatwon'tbeuntilaftertheweddingsotoughluckforthem!!!!HEHEHEHEH!  
  
Dib's eyes widened in absolute fear as he heard the guard's conversation with himself. What could possibly be worse than what he was supposedly about to do? 


	4. The Green Slipper

I LIIIIIIVE!!!!! I knew I was forgetting something! This story has gone unfinished for months because I well... forgot about it. Then it recently received two reviews out of nowhere! So I still don't own these characters as you may have guessed. Just the mentally instable guard and maybe a few extras that I forgot to mention here.  
The Ball of DOOM!!  
Later that night.  
  
Dib has barred himself in his room. And for a very good reason!  
  
Guard's male PMS personality: FOR THE LAST TIME, GET YOUR LAZY BUTT OUT HERE BEFORE I GO IN THERE AND BREAK ALL OF YOUR FAKE NAILS!!  
  
Dib: That would be a relief! And why are you making me do this?! Do you really want a murderer to pose as the princess of your planet?  
  
Depressed personality: It's the ultimate punishment! Much worse than the usual death by rabid squirrel monkeys. And it's not like we could get anyone else to do it.  
  
Dib: But still! How do you know I won't murder anyone at this ball thing too? Huh HUH?!  
  
Axe murderer personality: Look, if you don't come out of that room by the time I count to three, I'm going to come in there, take pictures of you and spread them around the entire galaxy! And then maybe string your insides around a small planet, but the first one is much worse!!!! Ooooonnnneee..  
  
Dib: Meep! *scrambles out of the door wearing an elegant purple gown, gloves, green flip flops and a tiara. It was similar to something a prom queen would wear. And that's only one step down from a cheerleader's uniform! Poor Dib.*  
  
Guard: Tttwwwwooooo...  
  
Dib: But I'm out.  
  
Guard: Three! That's it! I'm coming in there and..oh. You're out.  
  
Dib: *sigh* Yes, I have been for about thirty seconds now.  
  
Popular personality: Oooh! Somebody looks ready to make a complete fool out of themselves! But first you'll have to put on this potion. It makes you look like a Kirian female until midnight, just long enough to trick someone into dancing with you.  
  
Dib: Just shut up so I can get this over with! But what do I do if they see me at midnight? Hyper personality: HEHEHE!!!You'reonyourownthen!!!!!  
  
Ten minutes later we see Zim in the ballroom along with about a hundred other princes or nobles from various planets, all waiting for Princess Dib to come down so they could try to win her, or his as it would turn out, affections, along with the chance to rule Kiria and a new Voot Cruiser! Okay, maybe not the Voot Cruiser, but everything else.  
  
Zim: I hope these nobles will not be too offended when the princess chooses the amazing ZIIIM over their puny selves! *strikes a dramatic pose, then opens his eyes to find that the puny nobles are all staring at him. And they don't look very pleased.* Oops!  
  
But before they had time to beat the living crap out of him, an instrument of some kind announced the arrival of Princess Dib. As soon as he walked onto the dance floor, everyone except Zim tried to jump on him but instead ended up fighting with each other.  
  
Twenty minutes later, blood and guts of every imaginable color and type are spread all over the ballroom. Zim and Dib are the only ones left standing besides the guard, who summons an orchestra out of nowhere. And the romantic tune they play as the oddly matched couple dances is.. the Time Warp? Yes, yes, VERY romantic! It got even better when the entire cast of the Rocky Horror Picture Show joined in for the famous dance!  
It's just a jump to the left,  
  
And then a step to the right,  
  
Put your hands on your hips,  
  
And bend your knees in tight,  
  
But it's the pelvic thrusts,  
  
That really drive you insane  
  
Let's do the Time Warp again!  
  
Let's do the Time Warp again!  
Then everyone except Zim, Dib and the guard dropped dead as the clock struck midnight. Do they use the same time system in space? I don't know, but for the sake of this fic I hope they do.  
  
Dib: Uh oh! Zim? This was fun but I really should be going now!  
  
Zim: But why?!  
  
Too late. Dib was already out the door and running down the stairs to where he left his ship.  
  
Dib: Okay, it might take a bit of explaining as to why I'm wearing a prom dress, but I can still make it back home as long as that Zim person doesn't get me first!  
  
He was running so fast as he slowly changed from Kirian back to his normal form that he didn't notice one of his green flip flops had slipped off. Zim, the guard and all of the living aliens on the ship searched everywhere for Dib, but couldn't find him! Guard's stupid personality saw a little boy wearing a dress that looked like the one the princess was wearing flying away in his ship. But all anyone could find was one of the green flip flops. Zim knew that the Tallests would be very angry with him if he failed to complete his mission, so he convinced the king to let him go around the Kirian Empire to find the one with a foot that fit the green slipper.  
Want to find out what happens next? DO YOU?! DOES IT BURN IN YOU LIKE A FLAMING CAN OF WD-40?! Haha! You have to wait until the next chapter! Hopefully I won't get selective amnesia when it comes to this story again! This probably won't be as slashy as I thought it would be. Good news for those of you who don't like that! 


	5. And They All Lived Happily Ever After Or...

Yayness! The last chapter of this truly demented fairytale! And yaaayyy!! No amnesia! :) The last chapter of horror, I still just own the guard.  
Happily Ever After, Or DID They?  
Zim had searched seemingly the entirety of the Kirian Empire to try to find the one whose foot fit the green slipper, but had found no success thus far. He was close to giving up when his ship reached an unknown planet while low on fuel.  
  
Driver: Don't you think we should go back now? I mean we've been searching for a month now and we still haven't found the slightest trace of him, uh her! Hehe, silly me.*shifts eyes suspiciously*  
  
Zim: NO! We MUST keep searching! *to himself* If the Tallest find out that I lost the princess, they'll certainly sentence me to an eternity of banishment on Foodcourtia!  
  
Driver: We're a little low on fuel, so we can either look for some on this uncharted planet or crash somewhere in the voids of deep space.  
  
Zim: O.O Refueling sounds nice!  
  
Meanwhile in the Membrane household.  
  
Dib: But you said I could use the computer now!  
  
Gaz: I don't remember saying anything about that. But I DO remember something about you coming home last month wearing a prom dress. And I suggest that you let me use the computer unless you would like to have that little tidbit of information spread all over school tomorrow.  
  
Dib: *sigh* Fine. You're not ever going to let that wear out, are you?  
  
Gaz: No, I don't think so.  
  
Dib: I'll be on the roof. *walks out*  
  
A flaming ball of light is seen coming out of the sky and lands on the other side of town. Conveniently enough, it's right next to a gas station.  
  
Zim: Where the heck did you learn to land?  
  
Driver: The dustbunny told me! *holds up piece of lint*  
  
Zim: *eye twitches* I..think I'll go look around for..stuff. Yeah, stuff! *runs away as fast as he can*  
  
Dib's roof.  
  
Dib: Do you think those aliens are still looking for me? Or have they just forgotten and found some other piece of space scum to fill in for the princess? What do you think Squirrel?  
  
Squirrel: Squeak!  
  
Dib: -_- Why do I bother talking to wildlife? It's not like they'll answer. But at least it's better than inanimate objects. Or talking to myself..which I am now doing.  
  
Squirrel: *is shot by a beam of green light*  
  
Dib: Squirrel?  
  
Down on the street, Zim is running from a little Chihuahua. He seems to think it's lethal. He tries to shoot it, but ends up missing and hitting a telephone pole, a streetlight and two trashcans. The first trashcan shot ricocheted and hit Squirrel. The second went..somewhere.  
  
Zim: NOOOO!!!! GET AWAY YOU STINKBEAST!!!!!  
  
Dib: What the? That's the alien that danced with me!  
  
Gaz: So is this the alien you were talking about?  
  
Dib: *jumps* Gaz! I didn't know you were there!  
  
Gaz: HEY YOU! UP HERE! IT'S YOUR PROM DATE!!  
  
Zim: What? *looks up at the roof* Who are you?  
  
Gaz: *holding up the purple dress* My brother says he danced with an alien, which I am assuming is you. Here's the dress he came home from outer space wearing. Zim: WHAT?! Liiies! I am certain that I danced with a Kirian female! But how did you get that dress?  
  
Dib: One of the schizophrenic guards on Kiria gave me a potion that made me look that way until midnight, when I got back to my ship and got the heck out of there! Here's proof! I have the other green slipper! *falls off the roof* Ow! *bang* ow! *clank* OW! *thud* See?! *holds up green slipper to Zim*  
  
Zim: *takes slipper and puts it on Dib's foot* O_O I don't believe it! You're the only one in the entire universe who could possibly have feet this oddly shaped! Along with your unusually large head. But how will I explain this to the Tallest?!  
  
Red: *from behind Zim* Explain what to us, Zim?  
  
Zim: *turns around to see his two worst nightmares, the Tallest* My Tallests! It appears the Kirians have tricked the mighty ZIIM! And disguised this filthy Earth creature as their princess!  
  
Purple: Give us a break Zim! How could they possibly disguise that large headed chipmunk as Princess Keni?  
  
Dib: THIS IS PERFECT!! Now I can get all three of you! Now the Swollen Eyeballs will HAVE to believe me!  
  
Purple: -_- I don't think so. *Red, Purple and Zim are beamed up into a ship hovering in the night sky just before Dib can get a grip on Zim's wrist*  
  
Dib: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!  
And so although the Tallest secretly knew about this all along, they banished Zim to Foodcourtia anyway. Talk about irony! But Dib did see the direction in which the ship went after Zim and the Tallest returned to it and sat out on his roof every night for a year, tuning his radio to pick up frequencies from that direction. This story was sort of meant to lead into "The Nightmare Begins" because it gave explanations for those things along with some other stuff. Like how Dib was the only one to see that Zim was an alien even after he did some pretty stupid stuff. And how Gaz seemed to know all along but never did anything about it. But what happened to the second laser that bounced off the trashcan? Read and you will see..  
  
It's about five minutes after everyone left, a few yards behind the trashcan. Behind it is a redhead in a dark trenchcoat who would often make appearances in hidden cameos. Yup, it hit Jhonen.  
  
Jhonen: Owww... what was that? I had the weirdest dream about three green aliens, a big headed kid and his slipper and purple prom dress! That would make the coolest cartoon!! Now, how to get my arm to stop bleeding...  
And they all lived happily ever after. Or did they?  
~*THE END*~ 


	6. Moon Dirt and Cheese String

Yellow! This fic hasn't been updated for months, but I couldn't resist spoofing another fairy tale bound to go wrong when the normal characters were replaced with those from the cast of IZ, which I don't own. Darn you Nick, darn you all to heck (my friend's basement. Oh, such torture devices exist down there!)  
  
Red, Purple and the Cannibalistic Alien Witch  
  
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, in an excruciatingly small wood cabin in the middle of a huge forest full of bears, wolves, dragons and other such deadly but delightful creatures, there lived a poor toothpick manufacturer, Skoodge with his wife and two children, Red and Purple.  
  
Everything was fine until the wife died in a freak accident involving a thumbtack. Then some genius that lived on the edge of the woods in the village figured out that toothpicks come from trees, running Skoodge out of business and making the family poor. And so Skoodge became the village idiot, roaming around the streets screaming random obscenities to anyone who would listen. And the pay sucked. But something good eventually came out of it when Skoodge found another wife, Tak who had an odd attraction to village idiots. On the downside she was extremely cruel and hated Red and Purple and being poor. When Skoodge mistakenly ate the fourth payment she was making on a piece of dirt that the village politician said was from the moon, she got REALLY mad. The scripted part of our story begins in that tiny one-room hut that was their house.  
  
Tak: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ATE YOUR SALARY?! How am I supposed to pay for the moon dirt?!  
  
Skoodge: But they paid me in chocolate coins! I hadn't eaten for ten minutes and I couldn't help it! *sniff*  
  
Now, Tak had always hated Red and Purple for reasons unknown, so she took this opportunity to somehow get them eaten by a cannibalistic alien witch and his little robot dog.  
  
Tak: I guess we'll have to open up your stomach and get the coins out that way. Skoodge: EEEPP! No! Anything but that!  
  
Tak: Anything?  
  
Skoodge: Yes!  
  
Meanwhile, Red and Purple were sitting in the corner of that one very small room, listening to Tak and Skoodge going at it again while wondering if she was going to make him puke it out or give him laxatives.  
  
Tak: Sine Red and Purple seem to have inherited your appetite for junk food, why not send them out into the woods so we can save the money we would have used for their food?  
  
Red + Purple: *gasp*  
  
Tak: You didn't hear anything.  
  
Red: Yes we did. We're in the same room, which in this house means we're standing two feet from each other.  
  
Tak: Then cover your ears.  
  
Purple: But we don't have ears.  
  
Tak: Go outside then!  
  
Red and Purple go outside, but could still hear clearly with their Extendable Ears borrowed from Fred and George Weasley.  
  
Skoodge: But they're my sons! I could never do that to them! Plus the ghost of my ex-wife said that if I ever let that happen she would haunt my dreams with visions of O-Town concerts! A fate worse than death!  
  
Tak: Alright then. I'll go get the knives.  
  
Skoodge: Wait! ..Alright. I'll send them out to the woods tomorrow.  
  
Red: What?! I can't believe dad sold out on us!  
  
Purple: Like you wouldn't do the same thing. But look at it this way, there's no way he could stand those nightmares for more than two or three minutes. He'll be begging us to come home then!  
  
3 weeks later.  
  
Red: It's been 3 weeks since we left. I just went 3 days without eating nachos. Purple: It's been, 1 week since you looked at me, cocked your head to the side and said I'm angry..  
  
Red: This isn't funny! I'm seeing stars! I'm freaking out! I'm losing my mind!! It's all going dark!!!  
  
Purple: It's night you idiot.  
  
Red; I'M the idiot?! You're the one who led us out here! Look at me! I'm skinnier than a pop star!!  
  
Purple: You've always looked like that. And relax. If dad still caves, I left a trail of cheese string so we can find our way back.  
  
Red: Why did we stay out here for 3 weeks then?! Let's go!  
  
And so when the sun came up, they followed the cheese string back through the forest until they came to a green little talking doggie who was walking in the opposite direction, eating the cheese string.  
  
To be continued at a time other than 12:50 AM (now) 


	7. Hiya!

I still don't own any characters not owned by me. Which is I think all of them at this point. Darn school for making it so very hard to find time to update.  
  
Chapter 2: Hiya!  
  
Gir: Hiya!  
  
Red: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!  
  
Gir: Lemme see.I'm walking, I'm ising, I'm carrying out Master's evil cannibalistic plans.oh yeah! I'm eating this cheese string!  
  
Red: How are we supposed to find our way back now?! We'll starve to death!!  
  
Gir: Master told me that if I find any tall green things in the woods that start crying when I eat their cheese string, to let them come back to his evil lair. He's got lost of food you can eat!  
  
Purple: Anything's better than listening to Red regressing to three year old mode. Red: *sucking thumb and crying*  
  
So they followed Gir in the opposite direction over Mt. Everest, down into Death Valley and across the Nile River while the song "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" (anyone remember that song? No? Never mind then. I feel old now.) mysteriously plays in the background until they reached a cottage made entirely of.. Red: Candy! Wheeeeee!!!!! It's candy!! Can I have the candy?  
  
Gir: Yup! But master wants to meet you two first!  
  
Gir opened the graham cracker door and led them to a table held up by peppermint sticks and a surface of colored sugar dots. At the other end sat a much smaller version of them with glowing red eyes and a malicious grin.  
  
Purple: Who are you?  
  
Much smaller version of them with glowing red eyes: I am ZIIIMMM!!!  
  
Is there anyone who didn't see this coming? If so, follow my instructions very carefully. Stand up, if you are currently sitting down, find some way to get up onto the roof of the building closest to you, or the one you are currently in, stand on the edge, yell "I AM A MORON WHO CANNOT READ PLOTS!!!" and then jump to your timely but gruesome death. (JUST KIDDING. DO NOT ATTEMPT!!!)  
  
Red laughs at Zim, still in three year old mode.  
  
Zim: What's so funny?  
  
Red: You.  
  
Zim: You dare laugh at the almighty ZIM?!?  
  
Purple: Yeah. You're so short! And why are you talking about yourself in the third person? That's sooo last millennia's literature.  
  
Gir: Cuz he's CRAAAAAZZZYYY!!! I can be crazy too! Watch this!  
  
Gir jumps up on the table and does a cute little dance, but crackers are not the best surface to do that on. So he falls through the table and lands on the floor.  
  
Gir: Wheeeeee!!! I'm on the floor!!  
  
Zim: Don't mind my robot. He's a bit insane at the moment.  
  
Zim throws a rubber piggy into another room. Gir, in his one correct act of imitating Earth dogs, runs after it, squealing with delight. Okay, maybe normal dogs don't squeal very often. But you get the picture.  
  
Purple: So do you know the way back to our house?  
  
Zim: There are probably hundreds of houses on this filthy planet alone! How am I supposed to know which one is yours?  
  
Red: It's that one that looks like a house. You know. It's got three and a half walls, windows, extraterrestrial slaves, rabid wolf packs roaming around it. Like any normal Earth house.  
  
Zim: You mean that detestable one roomed shack out in the middle of nowhere where you can always hear something screaming either in fury or like it's being horribly tortured by having its vital organs ripped out through its mouth, one by one and squashed by giant pigs while there were still enough nerves alive to feel the raging piggy horror of pain that was being unloaded upon them?  
  
Purple: Yeah. That's the one.  
  
Zim: Yes, I know the way there.  
  
Red: Can you tell us? Huh? Huh? Huh?  
  
Red jumps up and down in excitement at the thought of a joyful reunion with his nacho cheese.  
  
Zim: No. Your putrid stepmom paid me to keep you here and eat you.  
  
Red: But your house is made of candy! Why don't you just eat that? Besides, we don't taste very good.  
  
Purple: What do you mean "we"? You taste better than me.  
  
Red: No I don't!  
  
Dim the lights and turn on some spooky music. Like pop played backwards so you can hear all of the lovely subliminal messages implanted there by dark forces. Zim gets a flashlight, then stands up on his chair and turns it on under his face in a way not unlike someone ready to tell a ghost story in a horror movie, then have their guts slashed out from behind.  
  
Zim: I'm sure you both taste better than you say you do. But it's not that I'm interested in. I don't eat anything in this house because I desire something more sustaining. Something of my own planet.  
  
Purple: W-w-what do you want?  
  
Zim: I desire...your blood!  
  
Gir electrocuted himself for fun in the other room, causing the lights to flicker and the sound of an explosion to vibrate the candy house, almost knocking it down. Sugar and water are not the best replacements for nails. And in case you're wondering about the shoddy special effects, the S. E. budget was slashed in the middle of the story to pay for the lawyers hired because of people who took the jump off the roof thing literally. Somehow they've found a way to sue from beyond the grave. Try it sometime.  
  
Anyway, fake thunder and lightning and stuff. After being in the room for who knows how long, Red and Purple finally noticed how much Zim resembled a vampire. Purple: My, what red eyes you have!  
  
Zim: The better to see you cower in fear with.  
  
Red: My, what spooky looking antenna you have!  
  
Zim: The better to hear you or smell you or some combination of the two. Whatever antenna are supposed to do.  
  
Purple: My, what long, sharp and malicious looking fangs you have!  
  
Zim: The better to suck you dry and eat you with! HAHAHAHAHAHHAA!!!!!!  
  
Red and Purple: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Gir: WWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (just for balance ;)  
  
1 hour later.  
  
Zim: And now..  
  
Purple: Eep!!  
  
Zim: Do you know what I'm going to do?  
  
Purple: Well, you've been saying it for the last five or so paragraphs so I have a pretty good clue.  
  
Zim: That's right. I'm going to SUCK YOUR BLOOD AND THEN EAT YOU!!  
  
Purple: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Red: MOMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of..  
  
Some random story that I forgot the title of! I just know it's a parody of Hansel and Gretel with a little Little Red Riding Hood thrown into the mix. Review please! 


End file.
